Yesterday, as I walked down the fallen leaf, rain soaked lane with my dogs, I started to think about my younger life; living at my parent's house (which is a little over a mile away, or less as the crow flies) and how life was so very good then. I remember playing kick ball after school with the neighborhood kids, and bus rides where we all sang songs. We had some very cool bus drivers, and out school is in a small town, so we had a small classes. What I miss the most was the sense of being, of belonging. Knowing how your day would go in school, and after school, what you would do. During Christmas time, we would go Christmas caroling with real oil lamps. We would stop by The Knauss' house and Mrs Knauss would give us all apple cake. All the neighbors loved to see us arrive and listen to us. Halloween would see a bunch of us kids going together and having brown bags half full of candy. We never worried about pins in candy, or other scary things. We also did not do bad things, we were a good group of kids.
My parent's house is on about an acre and a half, and they have always kept it neat and well landscaped. I always feel at home there. As I drove up there for dinner the other day, I got upset thinking about when the time comes that my parents either sell the house, or us kids have to. Will the new owners care about it like we did? It makes me want to never let it go. So many memories there.
As adults we spend so much time planning, and doing, and life goes by so much faster. We have new memories to forge and new friends to make, but none, so far, at least for me, have reached the bar of my child hood memories, and the feeling of belonging. I do feel at home in my home, and believe me, it took a long time for that to happen, but I would not say I have many memories there- that said, selling it would be hard, because it finally is home. Basically, I don't want to move anywhere else alone, because I would still be just that, alone. I am so blessed to have my family near, and that my parents are doing well. In the end, as long as you love, and are loved, you are living, that I believe.
Part of me wants to move home now and turn the clock back.... but I know you can't go home again.