Why should I?

I just finished watching a great movie on Lifetime called "Live out loud". It's about a chorus teacher who is diagnosed with breast cancer, and who fights it, and in doing so, realizes there are some things that she was too afraid, or didn't have the time to do. So she does them. It also changes her husband. Basically, the movie is an affirmation of what is important in life. Not what you do, but being YOU, doing what you enjoy, and seeing people, the good people as the precious gifts they are; those that care about you and who encourage you.

This morning I got up early and decided to work the dogs before the rain came. It was nice and cool (60s) and I worked Danny first. He can now do the full field outruns, and he did one, but, once the sheep were at my feet, it was HELL to get him to take a away, as I know he just knew they were going to bolt. But, I made him do it.

Then I worked Lucy, and she did well; more driving and no yelling by me. Just pretty easy stuff, but I believe, I have for a very long time, been making things very difficult on me and the dogs, in the name of good training. Everything is about what is wrong with what they are doing. Lord, that is not who I am.

Who I am is someone who wants to enjoy things for what they are, and if there is a weak spot, to figure out what to do to fix it, and then try and get it worked out, and embrace that we just fixed that issue. I never embrace anything, just on to the next problem. What a crabby person that must make me. It's not who I am.

When I trial, people must think I am nuts because even when Lucy would do egregious things, I would still come off the field so proud of her. Maybe that means I don't fit in in the sheepdog trialing world, or maybe I am naive. Whatever it is, I am not changing.

I also look for approval too much. People who I work with, train with, family, you name it. Thing is, approval is a voluntary thing. Sometimes no matter how hard you work, or what you do, approval isn't going to come. It's really hard when you realize that in the persons who you thought had a deep seated interest in seeing you succeed, don't really, or don't have the time to show it, or maybe who don't even really care, well, that's very hard. But, it's inevitable. We do this stuff (hobbies) for our OWN enjoyment. Not for someone to tell us that we are doing well, or how great we are. We do this stuff to grow in ourselves, and see where it takes us.

I have had this epiphany before, and it led to me quitting the hobby. It became too easy, and who was approving? Nobody, so I quit. Sheepdogging could go the same way. I finally have my own field(s) and my own sheep, and I feel like something is missing. Perhaps approval? No, it's more like someone to enjoy it with. That's a good sign. That will happen as things progress and we have more space to work and more sheep. I will invite my friends over to work their dogs, and even invite newbies to give it a try. And I will be the "approver" and I will be the support that I just always feel I lack. It's my personality to want to fix things and help people. When I can't do that, it's upsetting.

I have one more trial I will go to this fall, and that's it for the year, and from here on out, I will be spending more time looking to improve my dogs with my attitude being right, and my mood relaxed. I will work them more often, and with less tension. I will only look for approval from myself. And, perhaps on the trial field. That will be the true test.

I apologize to Lucy for being such a witch, and I am glad that Danny only suffered a little, before I woke up. Herding is not about perfect moves, it's about good work.