Losing myself..........

Hi everyone... Yes, almost TWO years since my last blog post... The only reason I can come up with is I have spent the last two years basically "finding" myself.  You see... most of my life has been spent trying to please others, not complain, or rock the boat.  This has caused a lot of people to see me as weak, and rightly so, and it then caused me to accept being treated as "less than".  Well, finally, after a very scary medical dodged bullet, losing people that mattered a lot to me suddenly without warning, and a new found desire to get healthy myself, I started to find myself needing clarity in that one piece that absolutely was swept under the rug--- my psyche.  Who the heck is Julie?

I no longer enjoyed the sheepdog trials at all.  I did not want to be with people that were not genuinely "nice" and friendly (for every one friendly person, there were 99 not), and I did not want to, CERTAINLY spend money on these people (in the form of trial fees etc.)  Okay, so no more trialing, other than a few close by trials.

Then, I started to travel.  That is when the dam broke.  That is when I truly lost my keel, and had no navigation, other than to do more traveling.  So I did.  And I realized this life ain't about anything other than my happiness, and peace.  Along with that comes the well being of my true friends, and family, but at this point, it was JUST about me, for once.  It had NEVER been about me...

So, I went to Montana in 2016, and then later in 2016, I went to England.  It was great, but it started the "I am absolutely not happy with my life" diatribe...  So, in 2017, I cut back my sheep to almost nothing, moved dogs on, got rid of a bunch of stuff in my house.  Just got rid of it all. I wanted nothing to keep me where I was.

And then, in 2017 I really started traveling- for real.  I was either away, or just back, or getting ready to leave.  I never put my suitcase away.  I would check the sheep, and leave.  I was fully checked out of my life at home.  Done, gone.  It is what I thought I wanted- to be rid of this prison of a defunct life.

And then, on my last trip... I started to long for home again.  True home, where there is peace.  All this traveling and not a lick of peace...

So, as I sat home, with my Meow by my side, and Joe lying at my feet.  I had a very faint wave of "it will be okay now Julie, you are home" come over me.  It was almost imperceptible.. but it was there.  I was finally feeling at home with me.  That is huge.

There is now a whole other bucket of emotions that have cropped up, but that is normal when you go through growth that I have.  It is so much easier to shut emotions down, to  never get happy, or sad, but that ain't living.  It is existing.   I won't exist anymore; in for a penny, in for a pound as they say.

So, going forward, seeing life through new spectacles, I can say this:  The only things I will engage in will be those that feed my soul, and heart.  I will no longer do all the giving, and not receive anything, because I am too busy giving.  If someone treats me badly, I will call them on it. I will be a door mat no longer. I will own who I am.

I am still doing the Sheep (thank goodness), and will always have my Border Collie(s).  But basically, the rest is simply up to the soulful Gods that I chose to follow.  If it ain't bringing you up, it's bringing you down.  I want to smile every single day, and that means choosing my friends, and how I spend my time wisely. 


I think it is very true that sometimes, we truly need to get lost, in order to find our way home. 

Blessings to you all.