Losing Tucker has been beyond tragic for me. I have never been this disconsolate. Tucker was a very very good dog; never asking for anything. He had his place in my family, and he was pretty much the heart of it. Tucker was a mere four months old when I bought my house, so basically, my home has never been without Tucker. I never really realized just what it meant to say good bye to him, until yesterday, when I had a complete melt down. I was physically ill. I had looked at some photos of my boy as a strapping, strong Boxer, who had the most soulful, and strong eyes. That caused me to wail. Finally, so tired, that I could not cry more, I started to get my mind on something else. I watched my team play, and they did well.
As the night came on, I cried again. I finally slept. I awoke this morning and did the usual chores, and then it was time to feed the dogs. I was just about to head to Tucker's crate, when I realized that he didn't need to be fed. Then I cried again. I fed the dogs, mixing in the Taste of the Wild that only Tucker got, because it is expensive, and the only food he could do well on.
The house is very quiet. Tucker spent a lot of time moving through the house of late, and drinking water. He was ever present. Lots of being let out, in and just general care. The dogs are quieter too. They still go in his crate looking for remnants of food that will never be there again.
Through all this, my friends have stood with me. Thank you to everyone who has called, or emailed. Please know that I just can't talk about it on the phone yet. It is too hard. But, I have gotten your messages.
This has changed me as well. I will no longer be going to events, or doing the usual dog things, without bringing all my dogs. I won't leave anyone out. No more. We are one family, and all the dogs, even the retired ones, will be along. Often, those of us who work dogs, tend to just leave the retirees home more and more, and sort of shuffle them to the back. It isn't fair, and if the dog is healthy enough, and wants to go, they should go, and in my case, will go.
I am consciously trying to think of other things, which helps me day to day. I have no interest in working Lucy and Danny. Partially, because it is so cold and also, because at this point, I want to be home more.
I still look for the sign that Tucker is back at home.
1 comment:
Julie, I so understand your pain. I just lost my Jag this summer before he even turned 10. He was my heart dog, the dog who took me all the way thru open in herding. He was my right hand dog on the farm, my partner. I still cry to this day when I think of him too much. I know that the pain will get less with time, but with these really special dogs it takes so much longer for the pain to lessen. I had no desire to trial this fall and didn't really work my younger dogs that much, I just couldn't do it without Jag.
I just wanted to let you know that I understand the pain and I hope that for you, and for myself, that it lessens with time.
Take care,
Kathy
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